Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
