Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
