I heard we made out
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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