she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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