her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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