Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
