I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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