went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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