My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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