You're so nebulous sometimes
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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