masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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