The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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