i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
