i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
