so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
