first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
