hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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