Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
