Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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