im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
