someone get that fucking seahorse.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
