I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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