my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
