we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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