Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
