at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
