When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
