The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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