There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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