he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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