i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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