She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
