This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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