Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
