you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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