so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
