it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
