I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
