The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
