I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
