I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
