Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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