i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
