HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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