dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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