By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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