we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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