Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
