When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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