I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
