My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
