and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
