Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
