I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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