When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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