I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
