My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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