she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
