...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
