Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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