it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
