three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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