Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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