If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
