Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize