I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
