i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
