i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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