i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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