So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
